Last night, after I had dropped Oliver at Judo, I went to do a food shop. This is about the third or fourth biggish food shop since he was diagnosed with diabetes, and each time I have felt my throat tighten and tears threaten. For years I have had periods of time where I have dieted, and avidly read food labels for calories and fats. Now I look at labels for carbohydrates because I have to, and it is for my little boy, not some poxy diet. And that makes me want to cry.
We visited new friends yesterday, a lady who has a little boy with diabetes, and she has said I am coping well with the diagnosis. I feel a bit unnaturally calm with it to tell the truth. I keep thinking I should feel more frightened, a bit more hysterical, but the reality is, when I start thinking hard about it all, I stop myself from feeling panic. Partly because Oliver is 'well', and for a period of time at least, this can be fairly easily 'managed', and partly because I think I am a bit scared of being scared.
One thing I am pleased with, and take a small satsfaction from, is that I took the trouble to explain to him why I was taking him to the Doctors initially - what I was worried about and what might happen if diabetes was the outcome. Obviously at the time this was an 'if, if, if', conversation and this did cause tears and a little worry for him beforehand. Still, if he didn't have this info, and hadn't had a notion of the 'if, if, if', I think he would have gone to pieces with the shock. Forewarned is forearmed? Or a little knowledge is a dangerous thing? Who bloody knows. I suppose it's down to how well you know your kid. I will always remember her telling us in the surgery that day. ('I'm sorry, but your instincts are spot on.' Who wants their instincts to be spot on? Usually instincts are an indication of something horrible going on) and I will always remember Oliver and I looking at each other open-mouthed with shock and fear, and feeling what I imagine he felt. Bloody frightened, and I had to be the parent. No time to cry, that would have scared him more. I put him in the car so I could ring Mark to tell him. No time to cry, Mark was clearly shocked too. Back in the car and straight to the hospital. No time to cry, Oliver is still tearful. At the hospital and waiting, and waiting, and testing, and waiting. No time to cry, he is being admitted. I went home alone to get some things. That was the time to cry, but I didn't. Fool.
For now, the time for my weeping and wailing has passed and I just feel deeply sad. Learning to live a little differently is the order of the day. For Mark and I this is only for the next 10 years tops. For our precious little boy, it is for ever.
Not crying is something we do, we put it off, no time, inappropriate etc etc, but there will be a time you will need to let those tears fall and make sure you do when it comes, it is all part of the process. It is not good to keep it all inside for too long, it is part of the coping process. xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteJust make sure you try to look after yourself, emotionally and physically.
ReplyDeleteI remember first of all being so focused on James and nothing else I was a complete wreck in the end. I didnt talk about it very much as at the time I wasnt in contact with anyone else whos child has Epliepsy, and my parents were ok with the practical side of things, but didnt really know how to handle it or help me when I couldnt deal with what was happening, they more or less said I should stay strong for all 3 of my kids (and basically dont look upset in front of them). I knew what Mike was going through, hell, the same as me, so I didnt want to burden him anymore.
Whatever you do, dont make that same mistake, find someone who you can really talk to, my friend Annie (old lady at the group) was very good, and she told me that I should be able to talk about it and that when I needed to talk about it to just find someone and tell them about it, even if it is your local butcher! I remember ringing her once and as soon as she answered I just cried and cried.
Keep going my love, and I am thinking of you all xxxxx (and ring me for anything, even if its just to cry) x
Ahhh Janice, it is amazing how us mums do manage to have that calm when if thought about we would have expected hysteria. I always marvel that motherhood changes over time and despite the thought that someday it might be 'over.. in reality it is just evolving, the worst bit as they get older is that you find yourself wishing you could 'do it for them' but realising that they are grown-ups now and your role is to just be a help and support... and it sounds like you are being a great mum xx thinking of you.. x
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